Watching Dead - A Walking Dead Podcast – Walking Dead SURVIVAL Review for 203 “Save The Last One”

Hello, fellow surviors!  Here is this week’s survival review.  What’s good for the goose is good for the muhfukin’ gander, and thus we arrive at…

Scenario 1:  Co-host of Watching Dead mucks up sound check, records entire podcast from his MacBook’s external speaker, bypassing approximate $500 worth of audio gear in the process, making the podcast sound like it was recorded at the bottom of that hideous well that Glenn is inexplicably being lowered into during the teaser for next week’s episode.

What A.Ron did:  “Dude…  are you fucking kidding me?  Dude.  Goddammit, Dude.”  A.Ron then proceeded to storm off to get drunk and play Uncharted.

What A.Ron should have done: “DUDE!” Punch to the ball sack.  “ARE!” Punch to the mean bean machine.  “YOU!”  Punch to the Jim Jewels.  “FUCKING!!” Punch to man sack.  “KIDDING!” Punch to the tenders.  “ME?!?”  Final vicious Falcon Punch to the grotesque pile of gravel and gristle that used to be  Jim’s pelvic area.

Ahem.  We won’t be having any more of that.

Scenario 2: Darryl and Andrea come across a zombie hung from a tree.

What the survivors did:  Andrea pursades Darryl to put said zombie out of it’s misery.

What the survivors should have done:  Darryl… Darryl!  Wasting an arrow, in the hopes of getting an honest answer out of a suicidal woman?  I mean, most guys would be lucky to get a straight answer to something as trivial as “where do you feel like eating tonight?” (the answer, by the way, will be some variation of “whatever you want to go”… except not your first choice.  Or your second. And then after shooting down your third suggestion, she’ll tell you where she really wanted to go all along.  Oh, and she’ll be pissy because you should have known that!)   But you, Darryl.  You ask a woman who recently went through an apocalypse, put a bullet in her own sister’s head, and got guilted out of taking herself out by some crusty, busybodied, self-important, bearded git, whether she still wants to kill herself, and you wager a precious arrow on it?  The survivors should punish such foolish optimism and waste of resources in ways both harsh and creative; but let’s be honest.  Darryl would rip the arm off of and savagely beat with the wet red end anyone with the temerity to lay a finger on him.  All that aside, I’m disappointed in you, Darryl.  Consider my finger wagged in your direction.  From a very safe distance.  Behind a few inches of steel plate.

Scenario 3: Shane is confronted with a close range zombie, armed with a shotgun.

What the survivors did:  Because he’s an idiot, Shane punches the zombie straight in it’s mouth.  Despite the fact that ten out of ten zombies agree that they’d rather be punched in the head with a fist made out of living meat than the cold hard stock of a gun. Let that soak in, reader.  The single worst thing you can do in this scenario is get bit.  By a fucking zombie.  And Shane thinks that, holding a gun in hand, it would be better to hit a zombie with his KNUCKLES.  No matter that it is obvious that it will take longer to shift your grip on the shottie to free your hand for a punch than it would to just slam the stock in the undead’s rotting face.

What the survivors should have done:  Punch Shane once in the face.  The hit him in the mouth with his own buttstock.  Repeat as necessary until proper lesson is learned or all teeth are lost, whichever comes first.  This actually reminded me of an old podcast we did in the Blue Yonder days.  We took turns drafting the ultimate zombie survival group, and one of our co-hosts selected Fedor Emelianenko with one of his top picks.  Who the hell picks a ground and pound specialist to fight zombies?  Our dumbass friend, that’s who.

Scenario 4: You have a house on untold acres of fenced in land, surrounded by countless zombies.  Establish a secure base to protect your family while you await god/nature’s righteous cleansing fire to burn throughout the land, or some stupid shit like that.

What the survivors did:  Fail to board up windows.  Fail to reinforce the doors.  Fail to conserve resources like energy and gas.  Fail to keep a lookout or patrol.  Sit out on the front porch alone with your eyes closed, and head bowed, apparently praying that a zombie stumbles upon you and turns you into a goddamned Asian buffet.  Blaze lights on long into the night.  Send fat men alone in the woods to hunt deer and small children.  In short, spend far more time assembling a fridge collage of people who died because they obviously weren’t adequately protected than you spend on adequately protecting the remaining people.

What the survivors should have done: Every daylight hour should be spent making that house into a fortress.  Every minute of darkness in the night should be spent in a sleepless vigil.  Anyone who runs hot water for more than 30 second should be given a bucket full of sand and razorblades to scrub themselves clean with.  In fact, I think Rick and company should have thanked Hershel for saving their son, then firebombed the farm house, as these people are obviously just going to be future zombies, so might as well deal with them now.  Now, Glenn might not like them torching his almost-girlfriend.  Guess what?  There’s some taste in his mouth that has need of a smack-out on account of this suicidal praying the the dark business.  Maybe God can restore your tastebuds, Glenn.

Scenario 5: Dale, having been left behind with the horrible Carol, becomes concerned for the fate of seasoned woodsman / all around badass Darryl and the least-useless / hopefully one day female dynamo Andrea who have left to search the woods in the darkness for whatshername.

What the survivors did: Dale leaves Carol behind to stand guard, despite the fact that she is demonstrably worse than useless for anything besides ironing sheriff uniforms and praying for her fucking asshole husband’s death.  Unarmed.  He instructs her, that should she by some stroke of luck see a zombie, to scream and yell so that every zombie within a mile can decend upon their location and devour them all.

What the survivors should have done:  Sweet butter creme Jesus, where do I even begin.  First of all, Da–  Wait a minute.  This plan of Dale’s jeapordizes none of the other survivors that I like, and in a worse case scenario leads to the deaths of both Dale and Carol… I fully approve of this course of action.  In fact, any time in the future that Dale can endanger his own life or that of Carol’s at no expense to Rick, Darryl, Andrea, or Glenn, he should do so.

A slight dip in survival prowess as compared to last week’s edition,  but what can you do when the adults leave the children alone to fend for themselves.  Now it’s your turn!  What did I miss?  Write in and let me know.  Make it funny, or serious, or stark raving mad, we’ll read the best, most informed or entertaining ones on air.  Or, discuss on our Facebook page or Tweet your suggestions!