Watching Dead – Walking Dead SURVIVAL Review for 205 “Chupacabra”

Hello fellow survivors!  It’s time for your weekly review of the survival techniques of our favorite zombie-themed drama on AMC, The Walking Dead!

Scenario 1: Dale finds out that Glenn boned Maggie.

What the survivors did:  Dale shamed and scolded Glenn for having the temerity to have about 45 seconds of one-sided pleasure.  What was he thinking?  What would her father say? Why is he such an awkward idiot with a laughable understanding of women’s biological, sexual, and psychological needs?  Etc, etc.

What the survivors should have done:  The only acceptable response to this predicament is a high five, fist bump, and a demand for Glenn to describe the encounter in glorious detail.  Self-aggrandizing, embellished, not to be believed, and even down right fabricated detail to be sure, but still.  Seriously, I do NOT want to hear any shit, Dale.  “But what if Herschel kicks us out?” Doesn’t matter had sex.  “Her father is crazy! For fuck’s sake he’s keeping zombies in the barn!”  Doesn’t matter had sex. “She only had sex with you because you’re the only unattached non-elderly, non-rapist in the whole camp!” Still counts had sex!  The only way I’m post-hoc cock-blocking a buddy like that is if he’s blind drunk and trying to get down with a cast member of The Jersey Shore.  And none of my friends have saved me from a flesh eating zombie.  What the hell, Dale?  I hate you.

By the way, I’m not touching on the said barn full o’ Zombies this week, because I haven’t seen the survivor reaction yet to judge.  I’m sure it will be batshit crazy, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.  But Herschel, for this and many other reasons, you get an “F-” for survival.  As much as you moan about it being a wonder this pack of morons has survived as long as they have, it is quite apparent that your own survival has been entirely due to zippity-doo-da luck; running around in an undefended farm house collecting a menagerie of walking death.  God–DAMN.

Scenario 2: Darryl’s horse throws him, which leads to him falling down into a ravine and getting an arrow stuck through his gut.

What the survivors did: Darryl hallucinates his older, meaner, quite possibly even tougher total-bastard of a brother in order to kick his brain’s ass until it regains consciousness.  Once accomplished, he falls down the hill again, is attacked by two zombies, beats one to death with a stick, then pulls the bolt out of his gut, loads his crossbow, and shoots the other zombie.  He takes a few ears as trophies, tells his hallucinatory brother to piss right off, and stumbles back to camp, where he is shot for his trouble.

What the survivors should have done:  Hmm… Maybe pull out the arrow sooner?  Pull it out pointy-side first, instead of pulling the vanes through the wound?  The obvious, which would be to ditch these losers and find relatively sane people to hang with?  It’s pretty hard to critique Darryl’s survival technique, honestly.

Scenario 3: AKA: The One You’ve Been Waiting For.  Andrea decides she’s had enough of the cooking and the cleaning bullshit, and decides to relieves Dale of his job as sentry.  This doesn’t even seem to be a bad idea, as she soon spots an apparent walker from a distance of about 200-300 yards, something that Dale has repeatedly failed to do.  But then…

What the survivors did: Dale, Rick, and Shane repeatedly warned Andrea not to fire.  They had numbers, and melee weapons, and Rick backing them up with the Colt Python if the situation would some how get out of hand.  But that wasn’t good enough for Andrea, who then proceeded to violate about every firearm and zombie survival rule you can think of.  This is a brief list, because I have shit to do today and my Chinese food order just came in, and that General Tso be smelling right, son.

First off, she didn’t have a good look at the target.  Knowing that two of their own people were out wandering in the woods alone should have made her think twice about shooting something she couldn’t see.

Second, she had never fired that gun before, and she had no idea what range the gun was sited for, or even if it was sighted properly before.  If you’re one of those people that think “scope on gun” = “magically hits center of crosshairs”, then this might come as a shock, but even a perfectly sited weapon is only so at a specific range.  Closer or further away, you a have to adjust how high or low you shoot.  Also, different ammo shoots differently.  Maybe the rounds Dale has have been scavenged, and he knows they shoot down and to the right.  Does Andrea? Maybe this isn’t important when you’re shooting at the vitals of a deer, but considering that the only shot that counts in this case is a headshot, it matters.  She probably doesn’t know this, because she hasn’t had training or practice and can’t even properly disassemble and assemble her own weapon.  This is especially terrifying, since Andrea has been portrayed so far as a gun nut.  She’ll point that fucking thing at anyone at anytime, for no real reason at all.

Third, and related, accuracy with a rifle takes a lot of practice.  Proper aiming, breath control, trigger pull, stance, all contribute to accuracy.  Has she had any practice at all with a rifle?  Frankly, the fact that she grazed Darryl’s head has got to be one of the all time luckiest shots in human history.

Fourth, the noise of the gun firing ATTRACTS ZOMBIES.  Andrea has been told this at least TWICE this season, and they mention it on practically every show.

Fifth, Herschel, the guy who’s forebearance is allowing you to relax on his nice, comfortable, implausibly well provisioned farm, has asked you to let him handle the zombies, and in particular not turn his farm into an armed camp.  If you’re going to disobey him, do it quietly.

Sixth, even leaving aside the fact that she was aiming at Darryl, she was firing over and INTO a group of her own PEOPLE!  This is insanity.  She was just as likely to hit Rick or Shane as she was to hit what she was aiming at.  I wouldn’t put up with this shit if it were Carl doing it, and he’s just a little kid.  She’s supposed to be a grown ass woman.  Why?!  WHYYYYY??!  The way this show depicts women makes me want to lose any feminist principles I have and advocate hobbling them and using them solely for breeding stock.  Jesus.

What the survivors should have done:  Kill Andrea.  Seriously.  I watched the first season again last weekend (you know, just because I hate this show so much, all you fuckers whining about “if you don’t like the show why do you do a podcast/website about it?”  Precisely because I like the show and wish they’d do it better) and I was thinking of the critiques and punishments I’d be handing out, and I realized that Merle deserved the death penalty.  The one unforgivable crime in a post-apocolyptic environment is deliberately, and with malice aforethought, threaten the lives and safety of your fellow survivors.  If Rick wasn’t such a limp-dicked idiot, he’d have marched Merle right off the edge of that rooftop, and not handcuffed him up there to cut off his own hand and most likely return to menace the group another day.

Anyway, what Andrea did was insane, unreasonable, immature, and if she succeeded, would have killed Darryl.  Darryl, the single most useful member of the group.  She had just as much chance of killing one of the others, too.  And Dale laughed it off, saying it’s not so bad, all of them have thought of shooting Darryl!  Hahaha!  Hilarious, old man.  Especially considering that millions of TV watchers have thought of shooting you in the face at various times through out The Walking Dead’s run.  So, for the first time, as prosecution of the stupid, I am asking for the death penalty.  Specifically, death by walker.  Shit, you’ve got a barn full of ’em, might as well get some use out of it.  And some of you thought I was too harsh with dragging her through the woods on horseback a few episodes back!  Spare the horse drag, spoil the mentally imbalanced gun nut, I always say.

God, if she had succeeded in actually killing Darryl, I’d have either stooped to fan fiction so I could kill her myself, or doused myself with gasoline and lit myself on fire.  I’m not actually sure if that would be worse than writing fan fiction.

Final verdict:  I’m handing out a grudging “not bad” for the group, as a whole, and a “die in a low temperature, no smoke fire that for some reason starts at your extremities and works it’s way up” for Andrea.   Any week when the worst non-motherfucking-Andrea infraction is pulling an arrow out of your gut the wrong way and putting ho’s before bros, it’s been a pretty good week.  Now it’s your turn!  What did I miss?  Write in and let me know.  Make it funny, or serious, or stark raving mad, we’ll read the best, most informed or entertaining ones on air.  Or, discuss on our Facebook page or Tweet your suggestions!