Watching Dead – A.Ron’s Walking Dead Survival Review for 201 “What Lies Ahead”

Hey there!  This is the first in a series of posts that will take a light hearted look at how our intrepid band of survivors deals with their problems in a USA overrun by zombies, as opposed to how they should have dealt with them.

Scenario 1:  Lori complains about the morality of  looting a traffic jam full of corpses.

What the survivors did:   Listen to the Lori’s complaint.  Then looted somewhat guiltily at first until sheer joy of discovery of water and weapons overrode their survivor’s guilt.

What the survivors should have done:  Smack the taste out of Lori’s mouth.  Proceed to loot gleefully.  Come on folks, this is the kind of crap that leads to your entire camp sitting around a fire holding hands and listening to the RV guy tell stories about time and watches while half the survivors get eaten by zombies.  You all need to swallow a bag of cement and get hard, yesterday.

Scenario 2:  Shane discovers cache of water, and instantly wastes 1/16 of it.

What the surviors did:  Act like morons and yell and scream with joy, there by attracting more zombies.  Unless the zombies are deaf, like the ones living within a five mile radius of the church with the ringing bells.

What the survivors should have done:  Knee Shane in his beanbag, then take the water he spilled out of his rations.  He can make up the difference in urine, Bear Grylls style.

Scenario 3: Dale allows a pack of zombies to get within 100 feet before letting anyone on the ground know; despite being 16′ in the air possessing both binoculars and a commanding view of at least a half mile of road in both directions.

What the survivors did:  Hide under the cars.  Count themselves lucky that all they lost was a little girl and the token black guy that always dies in these kinds of things when he succumbed to sudden blood loss from a severed artery in hi— what?!  T-DOG SURVIVES?!?!

What the survivors should have done:  Gouged out Dale’s left eye as a reminder to be a little more diligent in the future.  Broke the fourth wall and sincerely thank the writers for not taking T-DOG from them.

Scenario 4:  Dale took Andrea’s gun from her on the logic that she’s going to commit suicide since she’s an emotional female and that’s just what those types does and this is AMC which is quietly becoming one of the most misogynist networks on TV and…what?  What was that? Oh yeah, I guess she did try to kill herself last episode.  So there’s that, too.

What the survivors did:  Stand around and back Dale.

What the survivors should have done:  Smacked taste out of Dale’s mouth for continually being such a presumptive busy body.  If they had, then maybe he would have thought twice about withholding facts the group could have used to make an informed decision about how long to wait to find the little girl instead of Dale making the decision for all of them.  Then, they should have smacked the taste out of Andrea’s mouth for trying to noisily assemble a gun to then shoot a zombie in the RV and bring the whole goddamn lot of rotters down on them all, when she could have avoided the whole thing by just sitting in the john and being goddamn quiet.  Then took her gun to keep something stupid like that from happening again.  They should, however, have given her one of those badass machetes.   No survivor should walk around unarmed.

Scenario 5: Carl braves almost certain zombie death to retrieve a cache of weapons, and survives only because the writers forgot that all dead bodies that don’t die of massive head trauma return as zombies.  His mother proceeds to take the weapons from him, because he’s just a child.

What the survivors did:  Go along with mom.

What the survivors should have done:  Spanked Carl with the flat side of the machette for crawling across a corpse without caving it’s skull in first, then after the tears dried, hand him the machete and say “you are now a man.”  Kids grow up fast in Zombieland, folks, and the off chance Carl is going to do something stupid with a sharp object is outweighed by the roaming hordes of flesh craving undead.  If mom complains, well, you know.  Taste. Mouth. Out.

Scenario 6: Shane contemplates just drifting off from the group, because his feelings are hurt and he is confused about social dynamics and interplay in this brave new world of the dead.

What the survivors did:  All but Lori remain blissfully ignorant, because Lori would prefer to handle this with bitchy whispers like this was high school and they were discussing someone stealing someone else’s boyfriend instead of a life and death matter.  When Andrea overhears, she thinks it’s such a great idea she wants to go with Shane.

What the survivors should have done:  Ratted Shane out, then take turns shoving a red hot poker up interesting parts of his anatomy until the most sacred commandment of all horror survival situations is impressed upon him; THOU SHALT NOT SPLIT THY PARTY.

Now it’s your turn!  What did I miss?  Write in and let me know.  Make it funny, or serious, or stark raving mad, we’ll read the best, most informed or entertaining ones on air.  Or, discuss on our Facebook page or Tweet your suggestions!