Hello, fellow surviors! Here is this week’s belated survival review.
Scenario 1: Co-host of the Watching Dead promises weekly column on Friday, doesn’t deliver until Monday morning.
What Jim did: Said, “That’s okay, just get it out whenever.”
What Jim should have done: Punched A.Ron in the dick and screamed “NEXT TIME IT’S GOING TO BE TO YOUR WINDPIPE, FOOL!!” Mea, culpa. I will not fail you guys again!
Scenario 2: Dale and T-Dog are fake repairing the RV, once again. Once again, no one is keeping any sort of lookout even though LAST EPISODE A HUNDRED WALKERS SNUCK UP ON THEM AND ALMOST ATE THEM ALL FOR LUNCH. SERIOUSLY! IT HAPPENED JUST YESTERDAY YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS!
What the surviors did: Fussed over T-Dog’s bandages. Decided to hunt for Tylenol.
What the survivors should have done: First of all, lookouts and guards are important, goddammit. When are these guys going to realize that no one can afford to be left alone and not everyone can relax and fuck off at the same time, if ever? Secondly, Dale should have, in no uncertain terms, said “look Dog. Can I call you ‘Dog? I feel like we’re on a ‘Dog-name basis now. Okay, good, that’s nice. I feel like we’re closer already. Now, ‘Dog, listen. Listen. Because I’m your friend, I’m giving you until this evening to either get that fever down or amputate that arm with the nasty ass black veins. If you don’t, I’m doing it myself with this here Gerber Gator that Carl helpfully found before getting his-dumb-ass-self shot. Thanks, ‘Dog, I’m glad we had this talk. Don’t mention it.” Black, white, whatever. Like Rick said (paraphrasing) in episode 102, there is only dead meat and live meat now. Sure, it would suck to lose an arm, but hell, he should have died from that wound anyway. You could argue that only taking his arm would still be an act of mercy by the writers.
Scenario 3: The group is calling off the increasingly half-assed search for whatshername for the day, after walking in single file formation, all of them within touching distance from each other. You know, to cover more ground. Anyway, Andrea for whatever reason decides to start acting like she’s been walking around the mall all day in high heels and get her whiny face on and then somehow instantly staggers something like a hundred yards away from the group and gets jumped by a lone zombie. This causes her to scream uselessly in slow motion for around 45 seconds until a hot-ass veterinarian’s daughter literally rides in and saves the day.
What the group did: First off, let’s back up a bit. The group saw fit to arm Andrea with what was apparently a pocket knife for this expedition? Look, I know you’re all afraid that she’ll kill herself or fire off a weapon needlessly because she’s an idiot, but god… DAMN. Why not give her a broken piece of chaulk and really let her know what you think of her? Anyway, the group for some reason acts unreasonably suspicious of the aforementioned hot-ass vet’s daughter (TAH-AVD) who knew the survivors’ names and just saved their second stupidest member’s ass (sorry Carol, you’ll always be number one in my heart, as well as on on the official “IQ of survivors, listed in ascending order” chart). They also completely fail to smack the taste from Andrea’s mouth or in any way chastise her for wandering off like grandpa when you leave the front door open.
What the group should have done: Sure, let Lori go ride ahead with TAH-AVD. But before she goes, tie up Andrea behind the horse and drag her back to the farm house. Nothing like a nice, spirited drag through the backwoods of Georgia to impress upon her the importance of sticking with the goddamn group. Oh, and you know how they got all that ridiculously cool Gerber Apocolypse survival blades last week? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY? Why is Andrea stuck using a two-for-five-dollar knife Darryl obviously picked up from some shady truck stop? And isn’t she supposed to be the tough girl? Why am I seeing her like THIS so much?
Jesus. Nice teeth, though. Also, that image, right there? Pretty much what she’d look like during a theoretical horse drag through the backwoods. A real “teachable moment”, if you will.
Scenario 4: Shane and Otis must infiltrate a FEMA trailer to get vital medical supplies, despite said trailer being surrounded by flesh-eating walkers.
What the survivors did: Ignore the ambulance completely, that might have had what they needed and was not infested with the walking dead. They popped the trunk of a police cruiser and recovered a bunch of flares and, oh hey, this is actually a good plan! Tossing some flares to distract the zombies with the noise and light while they go get into the trailer is pretty smart, especially by “this show” standards! Then, when they need to get out, they just toss a few more flares in the opposite dir-OH WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?! They really just used ALL their flares to get in? I hope you all die. Even you, Otis. I let myself start liking you, and this is how you repay me?
What the survivors should have done: First, the fucking obvious: As astute listener MarshallAnnes pointed out in last week’s comments; Instead of tossing two dozen flares into a single pile to attract the dead, maybe hold half your flares in reserve to distract them a second time to GET OUT? I mean, you know it works, so really writers, what the hell? Alternatively, turn on the ambulance/police car lights and sirens to attract the walkers, double back and around the dead. That should keep them distracted for a nice long time. Or, have Shane drive up in the pickup, slap the side of the door a few times and say “Come get some tasty meat, bitches!” and drive off at a leisurely pace and lead the whole back down a few blocks, leaving Otis to stroll up to the trailer and pillage to his pork rind lovin’, overweight, plaque-encrusted heart’s content. When he’s done, circle back around and have him hop in the back while you keep driving. I’d recommend punitive action to teach Shane and Otis a lesson, but I get the feeling that the zombies will learn them plenty next week without any outside assistance.
As an aside, will this show ever be consistent about how fast walkers can run?
As you can see, this is a vast improvement over last week’s review. Hardly anyone needed to be slapped, and no one needed a hot poker shoved up their ass! Bravo, The Walking Dead, that’s what I call progress. And now it’s your turn! What did I miss? Write in and let me know. Make it funny, or serious, or stark raving mad, we’ll read the best, most informed or entertaining ones on air. Or, discuss on our Facebook page or Tweet your suggestions!